Matt Davis

Farts are always funny. The late George Carlin used to enjoy reminding us of this fact between his poignant musings on religion and politics. The timeless proof that babies laugh at their own farts comes to mind. And I’m sure many of you have giggled at the hackneyed comment made to a stoic audience member “don’t fight the laugh, it will back up in the form of fart.”

The power of the fart-inspired laugh follows us through life.  I recall being a child and any adult male letting one rip in my presence following it up with an overacted attempt to find the mouse/elephant/giraffe that supposedly made room stopping noise. Oh, and let us not forget the “pull my finger” right of passage. These instances are possibly the first introduction we receive to the combination of funny and inappropriate. Somewhere along the line in childhood the idea that it wasn’t just merely funny to laugh at farts but the fart itself was “gross” or “inappropriate” for a given setting was introduced to us (possibly by our mothers with an emphasis on manners and a scowl towards our fathers). This very reshaping of our interpretation of a well-cut-cheese ironically adds that extra hint of taboo; transforming a simple bodily function into giggle-fodder just by mention of its name… (sorry Moms… we know you tried).

While farts may remain a comedy buzzword staple it is safe to say that actually farting in public (rather than merely talking about it) can produce some laughter-lacking results. I blame this phenomenon on three main factors of the adult fart.

Something I call the 3 S’s:

1. smell
2. sound
3. scene

Smell

I believe our initial humor towards farts comes primarily from hearing one… unexpectedly… and from a part of the body that is usually silent. A burp from your butt, if you will. When you think about it, to a baby, this would be the equivalent of your dog talking. They sit trying to master language getting only falsetto goos and gaas and out of now where there’s a baritone in their Pampers. But smell… real pungent paint peeling unforgivable smell doesn’t really happen in full force until adulthood. And while it’s shear awfulness can induce laughter in the more twisted of souls it is generally just a little too nauseating for strangers. Thus leaving the actual fart, as opposed to its description, far lower on the Funny Fart Scale (not a real scale).

Sound

As I stated above sound is probably a big factor to the initial laughing power of farts and I mean that both in terms of its audible impact and that of its vibration. However, as we age the need to be discrete with our farting forces us to cease honing our skills in this department. Techniques such as the “One Cheek Sneak” and the dreaded “Silent but Deadly” do nothing but stunt our sphincter audio development. Once in adulthood we barely have the skill-set to perform a laughter producing fart… weak high-pitched or muffled farts merely raise questions like “Do you need to poop?” and “What’s wrong with you?” or the reprimand “Damn it man! There’s a baby in the car!” instead of the chuckle-load desired.

Scene

Of the 3S’s this factor might be the most important. Even if the other two, Smell and Sound respectively, are not up to par Scene can push them forever into hilarity’s ambit. Even a weak two-second high-pitch fart resulting in an absolutly rancid cloud of disgust and shame can produce endless laughter when performed by a kneeling Nun in the middle of Easter Mass. (take a second and picture that… over and over… in your brain… hilarious!) The same exact fart performed by a mechanic covered in grease eating beef jerking? Sub par… annoying… lacks moxie… and a waste of a good laughable fart moment.

So how can you insure that your fart performances reach the largest audience and inspire laughter in public places by strangers and co-workers throughout the day? Well, you could brush up on the 3S’s and really impress people but if you want the Cliff Notes’ version:

You just have to alter the third and most important of the 3S’s,  Scene with the following process:

1. Make sure you are dressed well in regards to those around. At least on the same level if not better.
2. If you are unsure of the volume hold the fart until a quiet moment.
3. Preface your fart with a loud whispering of this magical phrase: “And the secret password is!”
4. Then do not make a face, do not animate your body, do not lift a leg. Just let it flow.
5. Laughter ensues! (or you get thrown out of the board meeting)

I hope that helped you embrace the laughing power of your butt speaker, happy farting!