To The President of United Airlines

may contain strong language

To the President of United Airlines,

First and foremost I would like to congratulate you, personally, for the level of service I have received from your airline during my traveling to and from Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. It is a rare occasion that I actually get to interact with almost every level of a company’s customer
service department. For instance, during my past travels – and using other, lesser, airlines – I have had direct contact with maybe 3 members of any given airlines front line representatives. You, sir, no doubt deem that level of impersonal service insulting. I would like to extend my sincerest congratulations in letting you know that in this regard I was in fact quite far from insulted, in fact – if I may be bold – I’d say mine rallied closer to “hand job”. But don’t just take my congratulatory assurances as fact, here’s a quick breakdown of all the incidences where your employees helped me to continue meeting new members of your wonderful staff during my recent trip.

On my day of departure from Charlotte, NC I had the lovely experience of being routed through Chicago’s renowned OHare airport. Unfortunately I didn’t get too see much of Chicago had to offer in terms of layover accommodations as my flight out of Charlotte was some where in the neighborhood of 1 hour and 13 minutes late – a good portion of which was spent on the ground in Charlotte while (as I was assured by your flight attendant staff) they were checking a weight of luggage versus passenger issue. The mathematics must have been of some great complexity as I watched 4 or 5 of your luggage mathematicians working on the problem via the window on the emergency exit row (where I prefer to sit just in case lack of sleep + massive inconvenience manages to equal a surfacing of overwhelming depressive thoughts mid-flight thereby forcing my to deal with them in a fashioned only truly appreciated by D.B. Cooper). However once did finally arrive in Chicago one of your lovely gate personnel was nice enough to look at the boarding pass for my connecting flight and inform me “boy if you don’t hall ass you aint this flight – the already be boarding” – which reminds me, another congrats of successfully training your staff to speak with the vernacular and basic grammar comprehension of an extra from a Nelly video on work release who’s just bidding time between rehab and Maury telling her who the father is not.. again..

So I ran to my connecting gate and had a nice conversation with two gentleman during a “random” last minute search of my person and carry on items. We discussed some interesting points, namely the fact that I was being searched because I was so late for boarding.. the fact that I had only arrived at the airport moments ago via a delayed flight on the same airline seemed to not matter, which goes to show your commitment to fighting terrorism and your support of things like busy work and drones – it’s just nice to see someone out there “gets” it! I managed to get on the plane in time for the pilot to make his “now that everyone is here” speech and be seated next to the fattest piece of shit ever to be shoved into human skin, and arrived in OKC alive and almost on time. And here’s where the real fun began. After being repeatedly told by several different people sweater-pinned with your logo just to give the baggage “15 more minutes or so” I gave up and found the lost baggage hovel and the troll operating there. I always thought trolls had magical powers, but I was reminded they were really just possessive and rude (-that whole bridge story with goats came to mind-). So baggage troll informed me that he didn’t know where my luggage was, but he could have it sent to me by 6pm. How he knew that I have no idea.. but I did used to think trolls had magical powers so I didn’t questioned his sorcery. That is until 7pm when i hadn’t heard from anyone – though I did have a nice one sided chat with your automated “1-800-where the fuck is my luggage” system. You sir have a gift for foresight. An 800 number to locate your baggage is a brilliant idea and no doubt much more cost effective than implementing a way to never lose them again – not to mention the increased level of security it brings to your airline by being able to eventually figure out where a bag is after it’s been lost.

Anyway, I finally spoke with who I believe was a different baggage troll than the one I had previously met, it informed me that it was not the thing to speak to about the delivery delay and politely gave me the name and almost all of the phone number of the person who would be deliver my luggage.

After a quick game of “is the last number 7 or 9″ I managed to Jake on the phone. Jake told me he had my bag.. but he wasn’t heading back out until 9pm at the earliest and I would have my bag by midnight. I informed Jake that the original baggage troll had said I would have it 6pm.. Jake, not being a bullshitter, told me “i aint gone bullshit ya, they say shit like that all the time.. but they don’t know when I’ll get it there.. hell.. I don’t even know half the damn time myself.. shit…” Which was all reassuring – but so much for the magical powers of trolls.

After some persuasion and a lie or two about free tickets to a show, Jake did manage to get my luggage to the club before I got off stage (10pm or so). Smelling like a combination of sweat, cigarettes, airports, and that tub of human shit I sat next to, I took my newly found items and got a shower.

The rest of my OKC stay unfortunately didn’t have any more interaction with you esteemed corporation. However, my trip home was luckily riddled with new experiences and peoples.

Fuck the side commentary.. here’s a bullet list.

  • got the OKC airport 1 1/2 hours early
  • found out flight was delayed 45 minutes, was going to miss connection in Chicago
  • checked bag (with “lost luggage” tag still on it)
  • went through security, got searched.
  • went to the gate and got in line with everyone else on the flight and changed my travel plans
  • while changing flights I reminded the guy to make sure the baggage would be re-tagged etc.
  • he made some phone call (either to a mathematician or a troll.. note sure)
  • started to wonder if phone call was real or just a bull shit show
  • then someone called him back, he verified my name
  • received new flight info now routing through Memphis, TN
  • Went to check in for my new flight as they called my boarding are and realized I was never assigned a seat, they were sure if they had a seat for me.
  • the lady behind the new gate made a phone call the old gate (which I could both see and hear the phone ring) just to tell me no one was at the gate.
  • a “manager” of sorts was involved and I got a seat.. luckily next to the 2nd faster piece of shit on the planet.
  • i got to Memphis and went to check in for my connection with a whole other airline!
  • the US Airways gate keeper informed me that what I had was not a ticket or a boarding pass and I would have to go to ticketing to find what was going on
  • walked out of security and went to a united rep who informed it was US airways receipt and I needed to talk to them
  • no one at US Airways new WTF was going on (probably b/c your airline is so much more advanced)
  • went back to United to figure this out. guy was gone. more than likely got all his work done early b/c you only hire over achievers
  • US Airways people finally got me a boarding pass
  • went back through security
  • my ticket was flagged to be searched.. so i got searched again
  • made it to the gate in time to get on the plane to a “now that everyone is here” announcement and take my seat next an old lady with ass cancer or something horrid.
  • arrived in Charlotte only an hour late.. waiting for my luggage
  • waiting for my luggage
  • waiting for my luggage
  • waiting for my luggage
  • FINALLY! went to the US airways lost luggage desk… they showed no record of me having a bag.
  • went and met the Charlotte united baggage troll (who kinda looked like Danny Glover got hit in the face with an AIDS shovel.
  • he informed me I came in on a US airways flight (ever so helpful)
  • after a 12 minute explanation that i just needed him to scan the tag and see where the bag was he told me not too tell him how to do his job (this is probably for security reasons).
  • he scanned the tag and joyfully explained your airline last had my bag in Chicago…. fucking Chicago.
  • so I went to Memphis and my bag went to Chicago.. even after the fake phone call to the mathematicians in OKC… amazing.
  • Low T-Cell Danny G. and I went a few rounds in a brief debate concerning logistics and his advanced methods of avoiding anything helpful
  • I was curious as to where the baggage would be going from Chicago since I was informed by yet another troll (possibly AZT needing Troll’s supervisor) that it was your policy not to allow baggage to fly without the person who checked it.
  • I marveled for a moment at your blatant disregard for you own policy.. I being in Charlotte.. my luggage in Chicago
  • Then after inquiring why that was a policy I was given the all to brilliant scapegoat.. terrorism.
  • and in the next breath your employees offered to have the bag sent on a plane to Charlotte then shipped to me.
  • I again marveled at the blatant disregard for your own policies.. this kind of on the feet thinking is what makes your airline a powerhouse.
  • After they offered to ship me my luggage they remember that I flew in on US Air (my original itinerary being changed somewhere back in OKC as you’ll recall)
  • Since I came in on a different airline, they sent back over to them to handle the shipping of my baggage and more importantly so I can meet some more people.
  • I can’t avoid the genius business savvy these two trolls showed me but getting out of pointless paper work here.. very economical. This is more than likely the very training that makes your industry so profitable.
  • upon arriving back to the US Air people.. they managed to actually have my bag located. On a Northwest Airlines flight coming from Chicago..
  • Turns out your company accidentally sent it to Chicago without me.. so in the interests of safety actually obeyed your policy of not sending a bag on a plane without the person who checked it, and instead sent it on a different airline making it impossible to track by anyone.
  • Again, you have masterfully thwarted the confines of homeland security.. brilliant really.
  • so I received my luggage only 3 hours or so after I landed.
  • I went home in the end happy.. happy to have met so many wonderful characters along the way in a weeks time, happy to actually have my baggage, and most importantly… happy to know that my personal safety and that of others when in transit via the airline industry is in the capable managerial hands of someone like yourself.

I hope this letter finds you as well as the strain of anthrax I’ve sprinkled into the envelope.

Yours Truley

-Matthew K. Davis Esq. III

(Originally posted Sunday, 03 December 2006 on DavisComedy.com)

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